Saturday Humor

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.

BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH: The children's Christmas program director.

COMMERCIAL:  Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE: The pews.

EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.

HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.

ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.

OFFSIDES:  When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).

PASS: When the new couple says no.

PASS INTERFERENCE:

1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.

2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK:

1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.

2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.

RAIN DELAY: Baptism

RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than 25 minutes.

TACKLE:

1. What happens to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.

2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.

TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EACH MORNING!

The LORD’ s love never ends; his mercies never stop. They are new every morning; LORD, your loyalty is great. I say to myself, “The LORD is mine, so I hope in him.” (Lamentations 3:22-24 NCV)  #Evonika❤ღ❤ 

THE BIBLE DEFENDS ITSELF

HE GIVES US WHAT WE NEED!

My God will use his wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need. (Philippians 4:19 NCV)

BE ALERT!

Be serious! Be alert! Your adversary the Devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him and be firm in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world. (1 Peter 5:8-9 HCSB)

As the days of Noah were, so the coming of the Son of Man will be. For in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day Noah boarded the ark. They didn’t know until the flood came and swept them all away. So this is the way the coming of the Son of Man will be: (Matthew 24:37-39 HCSB)

Listen! I am telling you a mystery: We will not all fall asleep, but we will all be changed, in a moment, in the blink of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we will be changed. (1 Corinthians 15:51-52 HCSB)

Because you have kept My command to endure, I will also keep you from the hour of testing that is going to come over the whole world to test those who live on the earth. I am coming quickly. Hold on to what you have, so that no one takes your crown. (Revelation 3:10-11 HCSB)

SHINING BRIGHTER EACH DAY!

The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, shining brighter and brighter until midday. Proverbs 4:18 #Evonika 💗🌹💗

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL !

HE GAVE ME VICTORY!

But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us! (Romans 5:8)

MONDAY HUMOR

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth!

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.  He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The urgent request of a righteous person is very powerful in its effect. (James 5:16 HCSB)

PRAY ABOUT IT

Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

ROMANS 12:3

For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3 NASB) #Evonika❤ღ❤ 

THINK ON THESE THINGS

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise — dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8) #Evonika❤ღ❤ 

THINKING RIGHT THOUGHTS

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise — dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8) #Evonika❤ღ❤ 

MONDAY HUMOR

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.  

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me.  She was talking to my surgeon!"

DEEP THOUGHTS

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. 

FRIDAY HUMOR

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

PHILIPPIANS 2::3-4

When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)#Evonika❤ღ❤ 

LIFE

Psalms 32:11

Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones; shout for joy, all you upright in heart. (Psalms 32:11)#Evonika❤ღ❤ 

IT'S YOUR CHOICE

"The only way to gain victory over the pain of our past is to let God walk us back through that doorway of pain and into victory. "

So then, my dear friends, just as you have always obeyed, not only in my presence, but now even more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God who is working in you, enabling you both to desire and to work out His good purpose. Do everything without grumbling and arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world. (Philippians 2:12-15 HCSB)

I BELIEVE

The fool says in his heart, “God does not exist.” They are corrupt; they do vile deeds. There is no one who does good. (Psalms 14:1 HCSB)

To the pure, everything is pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; in fact, both their mind and conscience are defiled. They profess to know God, but they deny Him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, and disqualified for any good work. (Titus 1:15-16 HCSB)

He came to His own, and His own people did not receive Him. But to all who did receive Him, He gave them the right to be children of God, to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood, or of the will of the flesh, or of the will of man, but of God. (John 1:11-13 HCSB)

THE ONLY SOURCE OF PEACE

For a child will be born for us, a son will be given to us, and the government will be on His shoulders. He will be named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace. The dominion will be vast, and its prosperity will never end. He will reign on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish and sustain it with justice and righteousness from now on and forever. The zeal of the Lord of Hosts will accomplish this. (Isaiah 9:6-7 HCSB)

Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:1 HCSB)

For God was pleased to have all His fullness dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile everything to Himself by making peace through the blood of His cross — whether things on earth or things in heaven. (Colossians 1:19-20 HCSB)

GIVE & IT SHALL BE GIVEN TO YOU

There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you. (James 2:13) #Evonika❤ღ❤ 

SATURDAY HUMOR

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!" 

COLOSSIANS 2:8-9

Be careful that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deceit based on human tradition, based on the elemental forces of the world, and not based on Christ. For the entire fullness of God’s nature dwells bodily in Christ, (Colossians 2:8-9)

NOTHING CAN SEPARATE US FROM HIS LOVE

(As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” ) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:36-39)

V I C T O R Y!

There is something incredibly powerful about calling on the name of Jesus!  In His name is VICTORY over evil!#Evonika❤ღ❤ 

THE ONLY ONE WHO TELLS IT LIKE IT IS

But He answered, “It is written: Man must not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4)

What then? If some did not believe, will their unbelief cancel God’s faithfulness? Absolutely not! God must be true, even if everyone is a liar, as it is written: That You may be justified in Your words and triumph when You judge. But if our unrighteousness highlights God’s righteousness, what are we to say? I use a human argument: Is God unrighteous to inflict wrath? Absolutely not! Otherwise, how will God judge the world? But if by my lie God’s truth is amplified to His glory, why am I also still judged as a sinner? And why not say, just as some people slanderously claim we say, “Let us do what is evil so that good may come”? Their condemnation is deserved! (Romans 3:3-8)

GOD'S THOUGHTS ARE UNLIKE OURS

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. (Isaiah 55:8)#Evonika❤ღ❤  

I AM THANKFUL

But I will give repeated thanks to the LORD, praising him to everyone. (Psalms 109:30) #Evonika❤ღ❤ 

Proverbs 4:18-19

The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, shining brighter and brighter until midday. But the way of the wicked is like the darkest gloom; they don’t know what makes them stumble. (Proverbs 4:18-19)

The Wages of Sin

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23)

TUESDAY HUMOR

A man appeared at the door and announced, "Ma'am, I'm the piano tuner."

"I didn't call for a tuner," the pianist said.

"I know, lady," the man said. "Your neighbor did."

Colossians 2:20-23

If you died with the Messiah to the elemental forces of this world, why do you live as if you still belonged to the world? Why do you submit to regulations: “Don’t handle, don’t taste, don’t touch”? All these regulations refer to what is destroyed by being used up; they are commands and doctrines of men. Although these have a reputation of wisdom by promoting ascetic practices, humility, and severe treatment of the body, they are not of any value in curbing self-indulgence. (Colossians 2:20-23)

Isaiah 33:2

Yahweh, be gracious to us. We have waited for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation also in the time of trouble. (Isaiah 33:2 WEB)

REFLECTIONS

Because if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man looking at his own face in a mirror. For he looks at himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But the one who looks intently into the perfect law of freedom and perseveres in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but one who does good works — this person will be blessed in what he does. (James 1:23-25)

  

A mirror reflects a physical image of what we look like. It reflects the good and the bad. Whatever shows up in the reflection , whether acknowledged beforehand or not…will show up in the reflection if it wasn't changed, removed , or improved. What's showing up in your reflection? 

Another type of mirror, are the opinions we have of other people. Whatever we accuse or criticize others for, are often flaws we possess ourselves.

Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, passing judgment; for when you judge someone else, you are passing judgment against yourself; since you who are judging do the same things he does. We know that God’s judgment lands impartially on those who do such things; do you think that you, a mere man passing judgment on others who do such things, yet doing them yourself, will escape the judgment of God? -Romans 2:1-3

For example, people who call others hypocrites…often are talking about their own reflections. Usually people like to project their faults onto others, to appear flawless in the eyes of others . No matter how much anyone attempts to smear the reputation of others…their own reflection will eventually convict them, whether they like it or not.

That is no reason to accuse the mirror if you have a crooked face. —Russian Proverb  

LUKE 17:33

Whoever tries to make his life secure will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. (Luke 17:33 HCSB)

THE TRUTH

And we have seen and we testify that the Father has sent His Son as the world’s Savior. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God — God remains in him and he in God. (1 John 4:14-15 HCSB)

Bethlehem Ephrathah, you are small among the clans of Judah; One will come from you to be ruler over Israel for Me. His origin is from antiquity, from eternity. (Micah 5:2 HCSB)

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of King Herod, wise men from the east arrived unexpectedly in Jerusalem, (Matthew 2:1 HCSB)

He was chosen before the foundation of the world but was revealed at the end of the times for you who through Him are believers in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. (1 Peter 1:20-21 HCSB)

All those who live on the earth will worship him, everyone whose name was not written from the foundation of the world in the book of life of the Lamb who was slaughtered. (Revelation 13:8 HCSB)

When the time came to completion, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. (Galatians 4:4-5 HCSB)

and through Him to reconcile everything to Himself by making peace through the blood of His cross — whether things on earth or things in heaven. (Colossians 1:20 HCSB)

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but it is God’s power to us who are being saved. (1 Corinthians 1:18 HCSB)

Those who want to make a good impression in the flesh are the ones who would compel you to be circumcised — but only to avoid being persecuted for the cross of Christ. For even the circumcised don’t keep the law themselves; however, they want you to be circumcised in order to boast about your flesh. But as for me, I will never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. The world has been crucified to me through the cross, and I to the world. (Galatians 6:12-14 HCSB)

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. (John 14:6 HCSB)

MULTITASKING

Multitasking can sometimes make life appear to be a distraction,by sacrificing quality for quantity. While multitasking, at least 30% of one's attention is taken away from the top priority tasks...while giving 70% or more focus to the less important. 

Remember:

The dog has four feet, but he does not walk in four roads at the same time. — Haitian Proverb

 

PURPOSEFUL LIVING

Each day we're alive on this earth, is an opportunity to make better choices and changes in our lives. It is wise to redeem the time each day for a more righteous and fruitful life…and not waiting until a new year begins. Tomorrow is not promised , and we're held accountable for the way we live each day. #Evonika💗🌹💗

  Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD. (Lamentations 3:23-26)#Evonika❤ღ❤